


Everything is Good

by Sylph_of_Breath



Series: Take my hand, wreck my plans [3]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Adoption, Alternate postcanon timeline, Anxiety, Domesticity, Good for them, M/M, Marriage, Panic Attacks, Parentstuck, Post-Canon adjacent (sort of), Slice of Life, Trauma, dirkjake - Freeform, minor reference to child abuse, reference to Bro Strider, they boys are happy and in love and it's sweet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-14 15:07:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29173158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sylph_of_Breath/pseuds/Sylph_of_Breath
Summary: This is a direct sequel to"Bedtime Story,"and there are a few references to that so I recommend reading that first if you haven't!
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, Jake English/Dirk Strider
Series: Take my hand, wreck my plans [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2141649
Kudos: 22





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a direct sequel to ["Bedtime Story,"](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28685904) and there are a few references to that so I recommend reading that first if you haven't!

Dirk and Jake both startle awake to the jarring sound of Dirk’s phone buzzing against his night stand. Dirk groans, then instinctively reaches up without looking and presses blindly at the screen until the call is rejected.

“Who was it?” Jake yawns.

“I don’t know and I don’t care, it’s four fucking thirty, go back to sleep.”

Jake shoots up.

“Dirk! You can’t just not answer your phone! It could be them!”

Dirk finally blinks his eyes open and his brain begins being able to process information again.

“Oh, fuck…”

He sits up and grabs the phone to check the missed calls.

“Well, was it them?”

“I don’t know, it’s a different number…”

“Well fucking crimeny, Dirk! Call them back!”

Just then Jake’s phone rings, shocking his already frayed nerves, and he practically shrieks. He nearly knocks the phone on the floor as he hastily tries to grab it from his own bedside table, but manages to answer before the last ring.

“Ahoy! … Yes, this is Jake...yes...yes, terribly sorry about that...yes...yes! Of course! Yes we can leave right now!...Yes, Can Town Memorial...OK...Yes, we’ll be there in two shakes! Thank you!...Bye now!”

He hangs up.

“Was that…?”

“It was them! Leapin’ lizards, Dirk, it was them! _It was them!_ They have a baby for us! We have to go right the fuck now!”

Jake gets up and starts practically throwing off his pajamas, nearly tripping on his shorts on his way to his closet.

“Shit, OK. You have the bag all packed right? And the car seat?”

“They’re both already in the car!”

“And Lydia’s bag?”

“It’s in her closet!”

“OK, OK, I’ll go get her and meet you down there…”

“Dirk! You have to get dressed!”

Dirk glances down at his boxers and undershirt-clad body.

“Fuck, yeah, right…”

He speedwalks over to his dresser on the other side of the room and throws on whatever unidentified t-shirt and jeans were on the top of each drawer. He grabs his shades and hangs them from his V-neck for later, since it is still rather dark outside at the moment, then darts into the bathroom to speed-brush his teeth. On his way out of the bathroom, he and Jake only just avoid a collision. They both take a short moment to recover, and then they look at each other. Jake is wearing a suit.

“Oh, er, is that what you’re wearing?” He asks Dirk, in his version of passive aggressiveness that’s so passive that only the most experienced can even detect any hint of aggressive.

“Does it matter? It’s four thirty and babies can’t even fucking see, dude!” Dirk responds so aggressively that it’d be hard for anyone other than Jake to detect any passive.

“Shit, you’re right...well now I feel like a right chowderhead. Should _I_ change?”

“We don’t have time, Jake, we have to go! Just brush your teeth!”

“You’re right, I’m sorry! I’m just a bit… OK, sorry, yes, just a tick...”

The two of them dance side to side a few times before managing to sync up and actually get past each other in and out of the bathroom respectively. Jake begins to brush his teeth. Dirk sits down to put on his shoes, and another thought occurs to him.

“Jake!”

Jake pops out of the bathroom, toothbrush in his mouth.

“Is it a boy or a girl?”

Jake’s eyes widen.

“Oh, ssit, I ditn’t even think to athk…”

“Nevermind. We’ll find out soon enough. Just hurry up.”

Jake returns to the bathroom to finish and then comes back out just as Dirk is standing up. They run out of their room, down the hall, down the stairs, and towards the front door.

“Oh crickets, why do I feel like we’re forgetting something…”

They both pause for a moment and look at each other, fruitlessly searching for answers in each other’s equally bewildered faces. They run their hands over their various pockets — _phones, wallets, keys_ — all accounted for.

“You said the carseat’s in the car already, right?”

“Yes…”

“And the bag?”

That triggers both of their memories, and simultaneously, as if cued, they say it-

“ _Lydia!_ ”

“Oh jimeny fucking Christmas, Dirk, we don’t even have the baby yet and we’re already replacing her! This is exactly every kiddo’s worst nightmare come true! That’s item fucking one in the _How to Not Be a Terrible Parent_ rulebook! And we can’t even…we’re just…oh God, what are we even doing? _What were we thinking?_ ”

Jake throws his face into his hands.

“Jake, I swear to God, do not even fucking go there right now. I will get Lydia, you go start the car. And call Dave!”

Dirk starts turning back towards the stairs, but something stops him. Regrettably, his mouth and his own tender nerves got ahead of it, but just a second later comes his old familiar, well-trained, deep-gut instinct that Jake needs him. That instinct is as much a part of him as his own five senses, and he trusts it just as much, sometimes more. He knows now beyond a shadow of a doubt that Jake wasn’t just being dramatic, or self-deprecating, he wasn’t fishing for a quick reassurance, or a cheap compliment, he’s in crisis. _He needs him._

Dirk just stands for another moment and watches to see if Jake will move first, to make sure he can. Sometimes, that is all that he needs, and any more would only make things worse. But Jake doesn’t move. He can’t. He tried, but he only got as far as tilting his head up a few degrees, dragging his face up his hands so that they only cover his nose and mouth. His eyes are free, but they’re lost. His breathing is heavy and scattered. His feet are frozen to the floor. Every muscle is stiff.

“Hey,” Dirk very carefully takes Jake’s hands and removes them from his face. He puts his own hands on Jake’s shoulders, and steps forward to the precisely calculated distance for maximum comfort without the risk of overcrowding.

“Jake? Sweetheart, look at me. Look at me.”

Jake’s eyes steady on Dirk’s.

“Breathe, OK? Just breathe.”

Dirk gives absolutely no indication of being in a hurry, or of any desire to be anywhere else but right exactly here. He breathes slowly, fully, and loudly, looking into Jake’s eyes, guiding him to do the same.

“Good. Listen to me. You’re OK. You’re safe. I’m safe. Lydia is safe. The baby is safe, and we’re going to bring them home, and we’re all going to be OK. Everything is good. This is all very good. Tell me.”

An ethereal peace emanates from him in every direction, gradually subduing everything in its wake, making it all somehow make sense again, until it reaches Jake’s mind. By the time Jake has even regained his awareness of it, his breathing has already slowed considerably. His voice returns to him.

“Yes… it’s good. Everything is good. I know. I’m sorry. Thank you. I love you.”

“I love you too. Don’t be sorry.”

He pulls Jake closer and places a soft kiss on his forehead.

“Can you drive?”

“I think… yes. I’m OK.”

“Good. Go start the car. I'll be right there, _with_ Lydia. And call Dave.”

With a gentle squeeze, Dirk releases Jake’s arms and turns and runs up the stairs. Jake takes a few more seconds to just stand and breathe. Then he takes out his phone and he calls Dave, and he heads out to start the car.


	2. Chapter 2

“Are you ready, turtle dove?”

Jake looks to Dirk, standing beside him in the living room of their new house, and offers his hand, as if asking for a dance. Dirk glances back, just for a fleeting moment, all he can manage, and takes Jake’s hand without a word. His palm is clammy, his face is pale and tight, and his grip on Jake’s fingers is bordering on painful already, but Jake gives a quick smile and affectionately rubs Dirk’s thumb with his own, trying to be calm enough for the both of them.

It’s OK that Dirk is nervous, Jake tells himself. Honestly, it would probably be far more concerning if he weren’t, considering what they’re about to embark on. Jake’s nervous too, obviously, but nothing seems to grant him the strength to power through his own nerves than the need to be strong for Dirk. They’ve settled into a pattern of trading off doing just that for each other when the need arises. It’s not intentional — no one is keeping track of whose turn it is, or which of them needs it more, or deserves it more in the moment. It just seems to fall into place on its own. So Jake doesn’t have to be too concerned by the appearance that Dirk is considerably more nervous than he is, because it’s not necessarily true. He knows by now how different the two of them can appear when experiencing the exact same emotion in general, so he knows that it must be just that — the same, very understandable, very appropriate emotion. It’s just his turn to power through.

But at the same time, Jake knows that this was all his idea, and of course they discussed it in great detail, from every possible angle, building up over the course of years, until Jake was completely satisfied that Dirk actually wanted it too. But even though Jake knows Dirk far better than he’s ever let anyone else know him, he also knows that there are corners of Dirk’s heart and mind that he has yet to discover, and some he never will. There is no bottom to Dirk. That was part of the unspoken deal they made when they finally decided to give up their bullshit and let themselves love and be loved by each other. Jake tries to never let himself dwell too long on what secrets may lay undisclosed in the endless abyss of his husband’s psyche — he decided long ago that what he does see is more than enough to outweigh anything that might be lurking in the dark. But still, sometimes, he can’t help but let a little bit of fear slip through that Dirk may be hiding something big, something that Jake wouldn't understand, something that might change everything.

But he’s probably just nervous.

“Okie dokie then, my dearest, let’s go get our baby!”

And together, with Jake leading the way, they step out of the house and head towards their car.

The ride to the hospital is silent, save for a few well-meaning interjections from Jake, mostly reminders about plans they’d already made and memorized — feeding schedules, doctor’s appointments, what baby and me classes they’ll start at what age, that sort of thing. Dirk insisted on driving, most likely as an excuse to not engage in such conversations. But it’s fine. They’re both nervous, and it's Jake's turn to talk through it, because Dirk can't. They both know how this goes.

They park in the garage, and Jake checks the car seat one last time before they proceed to the elevator and up to the maternity ward, again holding hands, again with Dirk putting in just enough effort that he’s not literally being dragged along. Jake doesn’t say anything else until they reach the nurse’s station, and then on behalf of both of them, tells the nurse at the desk who they are and why they’re there, which, of course, he already knows.

They're given a small stack of documents, which Jake skims before signing and handing over to Dirk, who barely even looks before scribbling his own signature. Then the nurse escorts them down the hall to a small, empty room. He tells them one of the other nurses should just be finishing up getting the baby ready and will be with them soon, and leaves.

Maybe it’s just from finally having nothing at all left to do but wait, but Jake’s excitement seems to now be winning out against his nerves. He has not let go of Dirk’s hand, and he reaches his other hand around and clutches Dirk’s arm. Dirk stands still and lets this happen, and does take a small amount of comfort from his husband’s extra touch, but the storm raging inside his mind is far beyond anything even Jake could calm. His own excitement has been beaten so far back by his nerves that he struggles to feel it at all. They stand like that for what feels to both of them like hours, for different reasons, but is really only about five minutes, until there’s a knock on the door.

“Come in!” Jake squeals.

He squeezes Dirk harder with both hands. A cheerful nurse pushes open the door and steps in, holding a tiny white bundle in a tiny pink hat. Jake gasps softly. He is grinning from ear to ear, with tears beginning to gather in the corners of his eyes. Dirk sees all of this in his periphery, but Jake is thankfully too transfixed on the approaching baby to notice Dirk at all. Dirk’s pulse is completely erratic, and each breath has become a battle to stay conscious. He fidgets the fingers of his free hand at his side to keep from expelling his frantic energy in any way that might get Jake’s attention. With each tedious step towards them the nurse takes, Jake squeezes harder and grins wider, and Dirk panics more. He feels close to fainting by the time she reaches them, but isn’t even given the chance before she’s pushing the infant into his chest, and without his consent, his arms rise up to receive her.

“All right, dads, here she is, your healthy baby girl! I’ll just let you three get to know each other! Just pop back down to the nurses’ station if you need anything.”

The nurse leaves. Jake, still clutching Dirk’s bicep, wraps his now free arm around his waist and sets his chin on his shoulder, squeezing their bodies as closely together as he can. Dirk can now feel Jake’s heart pounding against him, nearly as rapidly as his own, but for different reasons — for the right reasons. 

“Oh my God, Dirk, look at her...”

Jake’s voice is gentle, but fully shaking with emotion, which he makes no attempt to hold back or shy away from in the slightest. Why should he? He’s acting exactly like someone is supposed to act the first time they see their child. He's happy, unashamed, full of nothing but hope and joy and love. The man for whom fear has been a near-constant presence and key motivator throughout his entire life, suddenly holds not a trace of it. There’s simply no room. That’s the correct way to feel in a moment like this. That’s not how Dirk feels at all.

“Isn’t she just the loveliest thing you’ve ever seen?”

Jake plants a wet, joyful kiss on Dirk’s cheek, but it just sends a chill up his spine and his stomach lurches. He doesn’t even know what his face must be doing now, but he knows it can’t be anything like Jake’s — like what a new father’s face is supposed to look like, so he focuses his energy on keeping it hidden. He just stares down intensely at the baby in his arms and locks his eyes on her small, wrinkled, unfathomably fragile face. It doesn't help.

Jake releases his grip on Dirk’s arm and reaches up to put a finger in the baby’s hand.

“Well hello there, little gumdrop! We’re your daddies, and we love you very, very much!”

The baby yawns and makes a quiet little grunting sound, which Jake appropriately ‘awws’ and laughs at, but it just causes Dirk’s dizzy spell to suddenly intensify again to a dangerous level. Without a second thought, he forcefully twists himself free of Jake’s embrace and hands the baby off to him. As soon as the transfer is complete, he turns towards the door and starts walking.

“I’m just gonna see if they need us to sign anything else, I’ll meet you at the car…”

He doesn’t stay long enough to hear whether Jake responds. He doesn’t look back to see his reaction. He doesn’t even try to remember if he’s walking in the right direction. He just has to go.

So Jake stands alone in an empty hospital room, holding his daughter for the very first time, watching his husband make a desperate escape from them both. Seconds after the undisputed happiest moment of his life, he just stands there, holding his daughter, alone, wondering if he’s made an unforgivable mistake.


	3. Chapter 3

After handing a sleeping Lydia off to a half-asleep Dave and Karkat, Jake and Dirk continue on their sojourn to Can Town Memorial Hospital for the second time in six years. Dirk insisted on taking over driving after the stop — Jake has been just managing to hold himself together, but teetering far too close to the edge of panic for Dirk's liking. He keeps his hand on Jake's shoulder whenever he can spare it from the steering wheel. He talks about names, about possible future sports and activities, about some of the ways he’s read to make sure Lydia feels included, about introducing the rest of the family, and Jake nods and interjects a quiet word or two occasionally, but that’s about all he can manage. It’s enough, though, Dirk decides, if nothing else. Just keep him on the right side of the edge until there’s a baby in his arms, and then all will be well. Just a little longer.

They pull into the parking garage. Dirk parks and then looks over to Jake. He’s frozen in his seat, staring straight ahead. He hasn’t even taken his seatbelt off. Dirk wonders if he realizes they’ve arrived.

He decides that he can’t wait for the baby to fix this. He has to fix it, and he has to do it now.

“Jake?”

“Hm?" He answers automatically, without looking or moving at all.

“Will you tell me what you’re thinking?”

The question snaps him out of his trance, but he emerges disoriented. He glances at Dirk, who is looking directly back at him, but the eye contact is too much, so he looks down instead. He runs his hands roughly through his hair, scratching and tugging along the way. He opens and closes his mouth several times, sometimes managing to make a sound, but never anything more. His panic ebbs and flows with every attempt, and his frustration grows with each labored breath. He looks to Dirk, who has not flinched, one more time, and his panic and frustration give way to guilt and defeat.

“I’m sorry...”

“You have nothing to be sorry about. I just want to know what you’re thinking. I promise I won't get upset. Please just talk to me.”

“We don’t have time, Dirk.”

“Jake, they’re not going to give our baby away to someone else. I’m not getting out of this car until I know you’re OK. And I’m not trying to rush you, because we have time, OK? Just whenever you can, as much as you can, please tell me what you’re thinking. Tell me what you’re feeling. Tell me what you need. Anything at all. Take your time.”

Dirk’s tone is completely neutral, and he is once again radiating an air of total calm. He sets his elbow on his armrest and extends his hand in Jake's direction. It takes a moment for Jake to notice it in his periphery. When he does, he looks into Dirk's eyes again with sad gratitude. He manages to hold his gaze just a little bit longer than before, then closes his eyes and sighs deeply before taking Dirk’s hand.

“I’m just… worried about you.”

“Me? I’m fine. I’m worried about you. Why are you worried about me?”

Jake turns his head as far to the right as he can comfortably manage and just stares out his side window. Dirk can hear his heavy breathing cut through the silence, and it gives him the answer that Jake can't say. He says it instead.

“Because of last time.”

Jake still doesn't move, but his quicker breathing and tenser hand confirm. Dirk now finally looks away in shame.

“I’m sorry we never talked about it.”

“No, we don’t need to talk about it. You don’t have to explain, I mean. And you don’t need to be sorry, Dirk. _I’m_ sorry! I’m sorry that I pushed you into it too soon. I’m sorry that I couldn’t see that you weren’t ready! I’m sorry that I wasn’t able to make you feel safe. And I know that it was all OK in the end, more than OK, it was the best decision of our lives, getting Lydia, and I know you know that. But…"

Jake squeezes his eyes shut like he’s suddenly in pain. He covers his face with his free hand. He sits, and breathes, and tries so hard to finish his sentence. Dirk sits and patiently waits. A car door slams nearby, and Jake flinches at the sound. Dirk squeezes his hand, and some combination of the shock and the comfort finally coaxes the words quietly out of him.

"I thought I'd lost you, Dirk.”

Dirk's breath catches painfully in his throat, and it takes all he has to swallow it again before it comes out as tears. He feels dizzily, frantically heartbroken in a way he hasn't felt in years, but was once an all too familiar part of his life. That was the time in his life when he couldn’t be what Jake needed, couldn’t stop himself from hurting him, couldn’t make him stay, couldn’t even make himself stay, and that time lasted far too long, but he let himself believe it was long over. It ended when Jake asked him to promise he'd never lose him again — all he ever asked of him, and Dirk knows that just the asking was one of the hardest things Jake has had to do, even if his answer was so easy. And now he understands why. That time of uncertainty never ended, not for Jake, because Dirk failed to ever make him believe he'd always stay. Not with a ring, or a vow, or a house, or with almost ten years of staying. Not even with a child. Not with anything he’s ever said or done. Not enough, at least.

Enough time passes with Dirk now unable to speak that Jake braves looking back at him. He looks as utterly distraught as Dirk Strider could ever look — jaw clenched, forehead tensely wrinkled, gaze locked on some random point straight ahead through the windshield, breaths steady and slow, but audible. Jake’s guilt overtakes his fear, and pushes him to keep talking.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I know that's so horrible! And I promise I’m not saying this to make you feel bad, because I don’t blame you! And now I know how completely ridiculous it was to ever think that, but at the time I didn’t know what else to think! I thought I'd lost you and that it was all my fault. I tried so hard not to push you, or manipulate you into just giving me what I wanted, and I thought I failed. And I thought I must have manipulated myself into believing what I wanted to believe. And _I_ should have talked about it! I should have talked to you, I should have helped you, but I was just so, so scared, and I didn't know what to say, and I didn’t know what to do! I couldn’t even think! But then, suddenly, everything was OK — more than OK, it was wonderful! It was everything I’d dreamed of and more, and you were so, so happy! So I just pretended it never happened, because that was easier. And I got past it, I promise I did, but now…”

He closes his eyes again and lets out an exasperated sigh. The sounds of auto-locking cars and morning greetings echo through the garage, and Jake is briefly distracted, or maybe his mind is just grasping onto any flimsy excuse to procrastinate voicing the rest of his thought. But Dirk still just waits until Jake returns to himself and finds there’s nothing to do but continue talking.

“I told myself that it was different this time because you brought it up first. As long as it was your idea I didn’t have to worry about any of that again. But it wasn't your idea Dirk! You even said it yourself — I _tricked_ you into bringing it up! And as if that weren't bad enough, when you finally did, you were… I don’t know what you were, Dirk, but…”

The memory of that night flashes before Dirk’s eyes, and a dull, orange ache begins to pulse in the back of his head. He dismisses it immediately with one desperate outburst of willpower.

“Don't worry about that.”

“OK, I know, I'm sorry. But you weren't OK! Not then! You shouldn't have decided then, I shouldn't have let you. I'm supposed to protect you, but I went along with it anyway because it was what I wanted, and I didn’t even ever ask you if you’d changed your mind, and now it's too late! And then back at home everything was just happening too fast, and it all just slipped away from me, and I couldn’t think, and I didn’t know what was real and what I had just convinced myself of, and now I'm just so afraid that I've just done it all again, but I _still_ didn’t ask you if you were OK! I still didn’t help you! I was supposed to be there for you but instead I just spiraled and dragged you right down with me! And I still can’t stop! I’m still… I’m just…”

Jake’s anxious ramble is only cut off when his breathing once again becomes too fast and too difficult. Dirk swings his body around and puts his other hand on Jake’s and looks once again directly into his eyes.

“Breathe…”

“ _No!_ You shouldn’t…”

“Jake, I’m supposed to protect you too. Please let me protect you. You have protected me from so much more than you could ever know. And you never tricked me into anything. You never pushed. I was scared, and I should have told you, but I swear I wanted Lydia. I always wanted her. And I want this baby too, so, so much.”

Dirk notices on the edge of his vision that a woman has stopped several feet in front of their car. He glances up and makes eye contact for just a split second before she looks away embarrassed and continues her walk. Unlike most celebrities, he’s less recognizable without his shades, which are fortuitously still hanging off the front of his shirt, but he and Jake together are pretty easily identifiable. Luckily, Jake doesn’t seem to have noticed — unwanted eyes on him in his current vulnerable state are the absolute last thing he needs right now. Dirk pulls down his visor just as an added precaution and quickly remembers his train of thought.

“And I’m sorry I brought it up when I did. You’re right, I wasn’t OK then, and I just needed to grab onto something good to focus on, and that’s what came to mind and I couldn’t stop myself. I shouldn’t have put you in that position. But that’s not when I decided. I was OK when I decided, and I have not changed my mind, not even one second thought. And I’m not scared anymore. So please just let me protect you this time. OK? Please just breathe.”

Jake looks pleadingly into Dirk’s eyes. He is once again hanging off the edge, and though Dirk is offering a hand, he’s still trying so hard to climb back up on his own. He’d rather fall than pull him down. But Dirk is steady and calm, and more than strong enough, and he’s not about to give up any time soon.

“Jake.”

His voice is steady and calm and strong, but his eyes are soft and full of love. Jake tries to hold out just a little longer, but he’s too weak. He lets go. He closes his eyes and takes several deep breaths while Dirk watches intently, and soon enough, he begins to calm down again. He opens his eyes and looks back at Dirk.

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

Dirk puts a hand on his cheek.

“Now listen to me. You are never, ever, _ever,_ going to lose me. You are never going to lose me.”

“I know, Dirk, I know. I don't really think that…”

“Because I can't live without you, Jake. I can't. I’m sorry if I’ve never told you that before, I’m sorry for just taking for granted that you knew even though I never used the words. But it’s true. I can’t live without you, and I don’t want to. So whatever I need to do to make sure you can believe that and never forget, please tell me. Anything. Please.”

His voice and his face are no longer neutral and calm. He’s desperate, guilty, and afraid, and as much as he’s still trying to keep his emotions carefully sealed behind his wall, they leak through. Jake opens his mouth to tell Dirk that he’s fine, and he doesn’t need to do anything, but he stops himself. It’s true, true enough, at least, but it’s not what Dirk needs to hear — it’s not what he’s asking for. They could sit here and argue all day about which of them is more _fine,_ which one of them needs to do more to take care of the other, or he could let Dirk have this one. After all, they do have a baby waiting for them upstairs, and the sooner they settle this, the sooner they’ll both get to spend nearly all of their time and energy taking care of them anyway. And he’s already so tired. And though he wouldn’t have asked on his own, he does have something in mind. He sighs.

“I don’t need you to tell me everything, Dirk. You always can, tell me anything, I hope you know, but you don’t need to. I trust you, I trust you with my whole heart. But I need you to tell me when you’re not OK, so I know you mean it when you say you are. Because I don’t trust myself. And I promise I won’t ask you why if you can’t tell me, or just don’t want to, and I promise I’ll leave you alone to work it out yourself if that’s what you need to do, but I just need to know how you are. And I know that that’s a lot to ask of you, but that’s what I need, so please just try.”

It’s not what Dirk was expecting. It _is_ a lot to ask of him, and it scares him. He has to sit and think before he can answer. He tries to think of a way to dismiss it, to say he’s always OK, and that Jake never needs to worry about him ever, under any circumstances. But any version of Jake that would even remotely believe that, or at least pretend to, is far in the past by now. And it’s not what Jake asked him for. It’s not what he wants or what he needs. And he promised to do anything.

“OK. I can do that. I will.”

Jake’s whole body finally relaxes for the first time since they woke up this morning, and just with that, it’s instantly worth it. Now all he has to do is keep his promise.

“You’re OK now?” Jake asks with just the slightest bit of trepidation in his voice.

“Yes.” Dirk answers, with absolute certainty. It’s true.

“OK. I believe you.”

They both relax more now, shifting back to face forward, but still holding hands. They sit silently for a minute, neither wanting to be the one to decide that the conversation is actually over, just in case the other isn’t ready. The stream of doctors and nurses, patients, and visitors getting out of their cars and passing in front of them on their way to the elevators picks up, reminding them more with each second that they do, still, actually have to go get their baby at some point, and the sooner the better. And they also both very much want to. Dirk eventually decides, one more time, to protect Jake by taking it upon himself to speak first.

“Is there anything else you want to talk about? Keep in mind this might be the last time we get to spend alone together while both relatively coherent for a while. No rush.”

Jake takes just a few seconds to consider the question before answering.

“No, I’m fine. I’m ready.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes.”

Jake releases Dirk’s hand with a squeeze, unbuckles his seatbelt finally, and reaches for his door handle.

“Wait.”

He turns back, looking slightly startled.

“Come here.”

He smiles and leans in towards Dirk, who gently grabs his face and kisses him.

“OK, now I’m ready. Let’s go.”


	4. Chapter 4

“Hey, you up?”

Jake’s eyes flutter open. He thought he heard Dirk’s voice, but it’s quiet, and sounds strange in a way he’s not quite conscious enough to place. He yawns.

“That you, snickerdoodle?”

He rolls over and flops his arm around to where his husband’s chest should be, but it lands directly on the bed. That jolts him a little more awake, enough to realize that the sound is now coming from behind him, and through his phone. He turns back around and sure enough, he sees Dirk in the live footage from the baby cam, standing just next to the crib.

“Good. Hi. So, I couldn't sleep. I've just been thinking about earlier, at the hospital. I didn’t mean for it to go down like that. Believe it or not, I’m actually usually pretty good at keeping my shit together, but still, it was pretty uncool of me. And it had nothing to do with you, just so you know, but I don’t want us to get off on the wrong foot, considering we're pretty much stuck with each other from here on out, so I’m hoping you’re young and stupid enough that we can just pretend that never happened and you won’t know any better. So let’s try this again. Uh...hi, I’m Dirk, I’m your dad.”

He stands and considers for a few seconds.

"OK, well, I'm told I have a tendency to ramble, so since this may take a while, might as well get comfortable."

He reaches in and picks her up. Jake’s heart stops for a split second as he watches, but Dirk handles her with all the tenderness and grace of an old pro, like he’s been doing this for years.

"Hey, kid."

He smiles freely, not a particularly big smile, but genuine, open, careless and unpremeditated. Jake can see all of this even through the small screen. Seldom as they are, Jake knows Dirk’s smiles like he knows his own reflection, and this one for their daughter is as real and as full of love as he’s ever seen. Dirk carefully backs up to the rocking chair behind him and sits.

“That's better. So, yeah, about that whole freak out earlier. Uh... God, where to even start? OK, I guess it all really comes back to your Uncle Dave. Well, technically he’s your brother. Well, half-brother, but that’s a whole thing that we’ll get into when you’ve actually developed your language comprehension a bit. And even though he’s technically my offspring via weird predestined ectobiology mishap, he’s essentially more like my bro, which makes him your uncle, so that’s what we’re going with. Same deal with your aunts, Rose, Jade, and June — they’re all technically your half-ecto-sisters. And then there’s Aunt Jane, who’s actually just your aunt, except also, technically not, but, again, in terms of the role she’s gonna be playing in your life and all. Aunt Callie, too. Then there's Uncle Roxy, kinda the same deal, except they’re also married to Aunt June, which also makes them your uncle, so they’re kinda your 2xuncle combo, but also technically your half-sibling-in-law…which is also what Uncle Karkat and Aunt Kanaya are... OK, well anyway, you’ll meet them all soon and that’s all beside the point I’m trying to make anyway...”

Dirk looks nervous and flustered at the thought of having to actually make the point he’s trying to make, but he takes one deep breath and soldiers on.

“OK, so back to Uncle Dave- he, uh, he didn’t really have the best time growing up. I mean, not that any of us did, for varying but generally similar reasons that we can get into in a few years, but the thing with Dave is that... it was kind of my fault. Not _my_ fault, exactly, but… yeah, kind of. Ha, add that to the list of things to explain when you’re older, but just briefly for context, there’s a lot of different versions of me out there in the multiverse. There’s a lot of different versions of all of us, but…”

He sighs.

“...for _me,_ it’s a little more complicated. For me, all the versions are _different,_ but also, kind of... the same. I don’t even know if I’ll ever be able to explain that one no matter how old or smart you get, or if I’ll ever even want to try, but again, you have no idea what I’m even saying right now so it really doesn’t matter. But, yeah, there’s a lot of mes out there, and unlike your other dad or your aunts and uncles, I'm actually at least somewhat aware of all of them. And a lot of them are total dickbags. Shit, I probably shouldn’t say dickbag in front of you. Or shit. Fuck. I mean, uh... _fiddlesticks._ ”

He lets out a small laugh.

“OK, so your other dad, Jake, says stupid shit like _fiddlesticks_ all the time. You’ll get used to it, it’s kind of his personal brand. I probably should’ve spent the past few months trying to pick up on some of that myself, or at least working on toning it down with the f bombs, but, come on, just cause I’m a _dad_ now, I don’t have to suddenly become a complete dork, right? One per family is plenty. I mean, one of us has to be the cool dad, or what chance do you even stand? And yeah, it’s cute when he does it but- OK wait, do not ever tell him I said that…”

Jake grins as he mentally tucks that little tidbit away for another time.

“Sorry, I keep getting derailed. I did warn you that I ramble. But back to the point. Your Uncle Dave, he’s good now, for the most part, but he was, and to some extent always will be, kind of fucked up. I mean, just in terms of like, residual trauma, but he’s generally pretty good at keeping his shit together too. Ninety-nine percent of the time he's actually super chill, and probably the only person on the planet who’s cooler than me. But yeah, he very understandably has some issues, and the one and only reason for all of them is that he was raised by one of the mes, and I... he, whatever, was pretty unforgivably awful.”

He runs his hand through his hair before continuing, speaking slightly faster and with more nervous intensity.

“And yes, the circumstances with Dave were _very_ different than what we’ve got going on here, and his Bro, me, but not _me,_ had his reasons for being so shitty, sure, or at least he thought he did. I know for a fact that he was doing his best... though, actually, I guess that kinda makes it worse, doesn’t it? But either way, there’s really no excuse for pretty much most of it. And, don’t worry, _I_ definitely get that, and am fully prepared to not be anything like that with you. Plus, _he_ didn’t have Jake. He didn’t have anybody.”

“Oh, Dirk…” Jake whispers as he reaches out to tenderly touch the image of his husband on the unfeeling screen. He feels his lip start to quiver, but he bites it and keeps listening.

“So no, it’s not like I’m gonna be filling your toys with fake blood capsules, or pushing you down the stairs, or setting weird homoerotic booby traps all around the house in an attempt to shame you out of the closet that just backfires and ends up shoving you way further in, or anything truly egregious like that, obviously. I don’t think they would have let me have you if that was even remotely a possibility, God of the Universe or not. Oh yeah, there's another one for the list, by the way. I guess that’s kinda The Big One. But…”

He pauses, searching for his next words, or just trying to will himself to say them.

“I don’t know, I guess it’s just really heavy knowing with one hundred percent certainty that I, Dirk Strider, am capable of that sort of thing, when most people have the luxury to just assume, or at least pretend, that they’re not. And as far as I know, most people actually aren’t, which just confirms that there is in fact something inherently wrong with me, that I’m Paradox Space’s only certifiable, empirically tested and proven bad person. Bad…”

He stops himself, and has to close his eyes and take a deep breath before he’s able to continue.

“… _father._ Man, that's still gonna take some getting used to. But regardless, none of that is really new, this is all something I’ve always had to deal with, and, I mean, I do, usually, well enough at least. I’ve actually generally been doing a lot better recently than I really ever have, and that’s pretty much entirely thanks to your other dad, so that at least bodes well for you…”

Jake knows that should make him feel proud, but instead he’s overcome with shame. He just can’t accept that he’s actually lived up to what Dirk seems to believe about him — what Dirk needs from him. No matter what Dirk tells their daughter, if Jake had really done enough, this conversation wouldn’t even be happening. If Jake had done his job, they’d have walked out of that hospital hand in hand, with nothing but joy in their hearts. He squeezes his eyes shut to keep the tears in, but a few leak out.

"But now that you’re actually here, you’re actually _real,_ and you’re here, and you’re _mine,_ and the entire trajectory of your life is dependent on me not being anywhere near as shitty as I know I theoretically could be, and the entire trajectory of your life not being shitty is suddenly the most important thing I could possibly even fathom... it’s just… Honestly, it’s a lot."

He looks at her.

“I just... really don’t want to fuck this up. I want you to be whoever you want to be and have whatever kind of life you want, and I don’t want to accidentally do anything stupid that might stick with you forever and get in the way of that, even the slightest bit. Cause like, not to get too cringe on you right off the bat, I know we literally just met, and generally I’m not really a sappy kinda guy, but, I kinda love you more than I thought I could ever possibly love anyone or anything…”

He says it so offhandedly, as if he’s just telling her dinner is ready, or that it’s supposed to rain later, as if those words aren’t absolutely everything. It’s more than enough to finally break Jake. The sudden realization that it’s exactly what he needed to hear, the overwhelming relief of hearing it, the all-consuming guilt over needing to hear it at all in order to believe it, the way he feels exactly the same about both of them, all flood over him in a single instant, and it feels like his heart could just explode from it at any moment. It all pours out in a soft, involuntary wail, followed by a steady stream of tears. Unaware, Dirk just continues as nonchalantly as ever.

“And I knew logically that that was gonna be the case, obviously, that’s, like, a very common cliché that everyone knows. And then on top of that, when you tell people you’re adopting a baby they pretty much never fucking shut up about it. So I really shouldn’t be surprised by this — I’ve been preparing for this for months, years, really. But I guess part of it is that there is no logic to it, and you can’t prepare. I didn’t know how much I was gonna love you until today. Not really. And I’m generally not super great with not knowing things — I guess that’s kinda my personal brand. So when it all just kinda hit me at once, I guess I just didn’t know how to handle it. I couldn’t handle it. But now that I’ve had some time to process it all, it’s still a lot to handle, but it’s good, actually. Feels nice, I’m a fan. But it also just means the stakes are really fucking high, and my level of control over the whole situation is still a lot lower than where I usually like it to be. So, yeah, it’s all just a bit daunting, that’s all I’m saying. OK fine, it’s fucking terrifying. You get that, right?”

He looks back at her face again, as if for a moment he’s actually expecting an answer, but then seems to remember who he’s talking to. He closes his eyes and sighs deeply.

“I really just don’t want to fuck this up.”

It takes everything Jake has to stop himself from jumping out of bed and darting down the hall to join his new little family in the nursery. His urge to throw his arms around Dirk and hold him, and kiss every inch of his beautiful face, and tell him how wonderful he is, and what an amazing father he is, and how lucky he and the baby both are to have him, is almost overwhelming, but he resists. He has plenty of time to do all that, every day for the rest of their lives, and he silently promises himself that he will. But not right now. This isn’t his moment.

Dirk recovers again and looks back at the baby.

“OK, well, for starters, it’s probably not great that _I’m_ keeping _you_ up in the middle of the night just for an impromptu feelings jam, that’s probably gonna come back to bite me in the ass like, tomorrow. And probably for the next several weeks at least. Whoops. But still, I’m glad we had this talk. I feel better. And you seem pretty chill too, so I guess it’s fine…”

The baby just continues to look at him and make occasional little baby noises. He sits for another moment, the two of them just looking at each other and silently rocking, like he can’t actually bring himself to leave, but then he finally stands.

“Yeah, OK, time for bed. You need anything before I go?”

He once again waits for an answer, but she just mumbles and squirms.

“OK, well, I guess just, uh, cry if you do.”

He kisses her head, and she coos, then he delicately places her back in her crib. He stands beside the crib for another minute, once again unable to pull himself away, the two of them just looking at each other.

“I love you, Lydia. Yeah, OK, goodnight.”

Jake grabs a tissue from his nightstand and quickly dries his eyes and blows his nose. He takes a few deep breaths to calm himself, unprops his phone for added plausible deniability, then closes his eyes and pretends to be asleep, just in time. Seconds later, Dirk comes carefully creeping in and crawls back into bed. Jake pretends to wake up, and rolls over to snuggle up to him.

“Shit, sorry, I was trying not to wake you…”

“It’s OK, darling, I’m happy to see you.”

Jake’s voice is soft and sweet. He kisses Dirk’s stomach, and feels his body weaken beneath him. Dirk puts his hand on Jake’s head, lacing his fingers through his hair.

“Were you with the baby? How is she?”

“Yeah, yeah, she’s good. I was just seeing if she was hungry or anything, but she’s fine.”

“Hmm, that’s good.”

“Yeah…”

Dirk gently and silently strokes Jake’s head while his mind races. He wants to explain everything, and apologize, and promise that things aren’t going to be like they were today. But he can’t. This is his burden, and he decided long ago that he was going to bear it alone, because nobody else could even begin to know how. Nobody else deserves it, especially not Jake. So he can’t tell him that everything is going to be better, but he can show him. He can just be better. He can start right now. He says the first thing that comes to mind.

“I think we got a good one.”

Jake beams and snuggles in closer.

“I think so too.”

“And I think I do want to go with Lydia. She seems like a Lydia. Unless you've changed your mind…”

“No, it’s perfect. Lydia it is.”

“Lydia Hope.”

Jake doesn’t move, but his tone sours.

“Ugh, Dirk, that’s not funny.”

“Yes it is.”

Jake yawns.

"We're not giving our daughter a joke name."

"I changed my mind. I hate Lydia. I'll only agree to it if you let me pick her middle name."

But Jake is already asleep.

"OK then, deal."


	5. Chapter 5

Dirk pulls into Dave and Karkat’s driveway. Jake is seated behind him, next to the baby.

“Ready?”

“Of course.”

“Good! Tally ho then!”

Jake gives Dirk a quick squeeze on the shoulder before getting to work on unbuckling the car seat.

Before they get very far down the path from the street to the house, the front door swings open wide, and Lydia comes sprinting out, still in her pajamas. Dirk instinctively crouches down and holds out his arms, and Lydia runs right into them. He pops her up onto his hip.

“Hi Daddy! Uncle Dave made pancakes! With chocolate chips!”

“Oh, hell yes, I’m freaking starving. You better not have eaten them all. OK but first, we brought you something...”

Jake delicately steps up beside them.

“Lydia, this is your brother, Miles. What do you think?”

Lydia puts on an exaggerated inquisitive face, and puts her hand to her chin. She must have seen this in a movie or something. Or maybe Dave told her to do it.

“ _Hmmmm…_ well, he is pretty cute, but I’ll have to reserve judgement until I've had a chance to get to know him better.”

Jake’s mouth just drops open — he had been dreaming of this exact moment, but of course, Lydia’s response was not any of the hundreds he had pictured in his mind, and he does not have a follow up prepared. But Dirk takes it in stride, placing his hand gently on the small of Jake’s back, and responds without hesitation.

“That’s fair, I guess. Well, don’t worry, you’ll have plenty of time to get to know him. You’re gonna have to feed him, and bathe him, and change his diapers, and drive him to the pediatrician…”

“No! _You!_ ” She laughs.

“Well you’re gonna help at least, right?”

“Yeah…”

“Good.”

It’s then that Dirk looks up and notices Dave and Karkat standing patiently in the doorway. He waves them over, and they join hands and start walking down the path.

“Am I allowed to hold him?” Lydia asks, and her show of interest puts Jake visibly at ease. Now he can use some of his prepared lines.

“Yes, pigeon, of course you can hold him! But wait until we’re inside and sitting down and I’ll show you how. You have to be very, very careful…”

“ _I know,_ Papa! He’s just a baby!”

“Yeah, Papa, come on, she knows.”

Dave and Karkat reach them before Jake has time to get another word in, and they settle close in front of the gathered family, placing their arms around each other’s waists.

“Sup?” Dirk greets them.

“Yo, sweet baby, bro, congrats.”

Dave holds out a fist and Dirk bumps it.

“Yeah, he’s alright.”

“(OH, HE’S PRECIOUS! HI LITTLE FELLA, I’M YOUR UNCLE KARKAT!)”

He speaks in his carefully crafted “baby voice” that he’s had to develop over the years, which for Karkat equates to his usual shouty intensity with the added breathy quality of a whisper, and ends up falling pretty close to the volume of anyone else’s normal speech.

“You guys name him yet or are you still deciding?”

Jake and Dirk share a look.

“Would you like to tell them, dear?”

“No, you go ahead.”

Jake holds his gaze on Dirk for another moment, then takes a deep, slightly nervous breath, stands up just a little bit straighter, and turns his attention back to Dave and Karkat in preparation for his big announcement.

“His name is Miles...Miles _David_ English-Strider.”

Nobody speaks as Jake and Dirk look expectantly at Dave and Karkat for their reaction. Karkat’s face softens. He lets out a quiet, emotional whimper, and squeezes Dave a little tighter. Dave’s response is subtler, just a slight clenching of the jaw — likely undetectable to any other people besides the world’s four utmost experts on discerning Strider emotions currently surrounding him.

“Hey! That’s Uncle Dave’s name!” Lydia insightfully proclaims to fill the silence.

“You’re absolutely right, Lydia, it is Uncle Dave’s name. Nothing gets past you, does it?" Dirk looks back at Dave. "I hope that’s cool…”

Dave shakes himself free of his stupor.

“What? Oh, yeah, yeah, it’s cool. It’s, uh," he clears his throat in a failed attempt to dismiss the encroaching wobble in his voice, "it's very cool...”

“DAVE! THEY NAMED THEIR CHILD AFTER YOU AND ALL YOU CAN SAY IS _IT'S VERY COOL?_ ”

Dave sniffs as subtly as he can, but unfortunately for him, everyone notices. Except, of course, for Miles, but he will learn in time.

“Karkat, chill…”

Dirk’s mouth twists up into a satisfied smirk.

“I told you he was gonna cry.”

“Dirk, be nice!”

Dave’s expression subtly cycles from moved through shock, embarrassment, and irritation all in an instant, before he forces it back to his usual stoicism.

“Yeah, OK, fine, great job, you really got me. Totally owned. Let’s all just laugh at Uncle Dave for having a heart that feels things when you ambush him with huge thoughtful gestures of love. What a big stupid idiot. Real hilarious. Excellent prank, bro, way to commit. Way to go the extra mi… _goddammit_. You know what, I don’t have to just stand here and take this, and in my own goddamn front yard no less. I’m going inside. You jerks want your pancakes or not?"

He turns to go inside, but stops himself before taking a step and turns back.

“Give me that.”

Gently, but without waiting for permission, he starts taking the baby out of Jake's arms into his own. Jake is flustered, but doesn't put up a fight, and with Miles safely cradled, Dave restarts his walk towards the house.

“Seriously, can you believe these people, little Dave? But OK, I guess since you’ve been rather unfairly saddled with the incredible burden of upholding the Dave Strider name at the ripe old age of like, five hours, I better get started teaching you how to be cool right away. No time to waste. We'll start simple with an in-depth analysis of the history of rap both pre and post apocalypse, then we can move on to the finer points of the art of irony…"

The rest of them silently watch Dave and Miles disappear inside and then turn back to each other. Jake looks utterly bewildered and unsure what to do or say. Lydia giggles. Dirk is still smugly smirking. Karkat’s cheeks redden, and his eyes dart between his three remaining companions and various random points between before settling on the ground.

"UH, SORRY… ABOUT THAT. I’M SURE WHAT HE MEANT TO SAY WAS THANK YOU AND HE’S VERY TOUCHED. AND WE WOULD LOVE IT IF YOU WOULD COME IN AND JOIN US FOR BREAKFAST. AND I GUESS PROBABLY TO GET YOUR BABY BACK AT SOME POINT. UH… YEAH…"

He just stands there for a few more seconds before awkwardly turning and heading inside.  
Dirk looks over to Jake and holds out his hand. Jake just looks back at him in disbelief for a few seconds, then rolls his eyes and takes it.

“I really can’t believe you.”

Dirk lifts his hand and kisses it.

“I know. Come on.”

They follow them inside.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you once again to everyone who read my draft and gave feedback!
> 
> I did a bit of research into the process of adoption but was not able to find many specific details, so a lot of this is made up. But this is not our planet or our universe so maybe it just works like that on Earth C!


End file.
